Ups...and Downs

We've all heard the phrase "Life is a rollercoaster", right? Well, I tend to lean towards "life is a series of rollercoasters"...some more intense than others. Regardless, it's full of ups and downs and all-arounds.

Ya know, when you step on to that ride and you're headed toward the top it seems as if things just could not possibly be better. You think to yourself..."how did I get so lucky?" or "do I really deserve all this?" For so long, it just keeps going up...up, up, up and then you get to the peak and it pauses for just a moment. Just long enough for you to realize how wonderful and glorious your life is. Then it's moving...and it's headed down, only to hit the bottom before you can even blink your eyes. Oh wait...there's another uphill! But, it goes by so fast that you don't even realize it's passed. Before you know it this particular ride has stopped, you look around, jolted and shaken, and realize how very thankful you are for the person sitting next to you holding your hand through the whole thing...and listening. Sam.

On August 21, Sam and I were blown away to find out the news of our second pregnancy. We were not expecting such news since Olivia is only 10 months old. This was such a surprise it took a while to sink in for me. I could visually see the 5 different home pregnancy tests with the blazing pink line and even the one that actually said YES+...but, for some reason it just did not seem real to me. There were a lot of unanswered questions to say the least!

Fast forward to September 2. Doctor appointment at 2:00...actually saw the doc at 3:00 but still no answers until we could see the sonographer...at 4:30.

Finally, we would know how far along we were...when the baby is due...hear the heartbeat.

However, I've been in that chair before with the awkwardness of a first trimester ultrasound and I knew very quickly that something was not right. When she didn't turn the screen for us to see our little blob with the quivering of a heartbeat...I knew. And I was right.

I had been having these horrible visions of the doctor coming to tell me that there was no baby...and that's exactly what happened. I never told anyone that. I thought it was just the shock of the whole thing. I guess my uneasiness from the beginning was some sort of guard. It's very strange...but I think I knew the moment the line turned pink that something was very wrong. With Olivia, I had a peaceful feeling about everything. I was so calm and I just knew it was all going to be just perfect. And it was.

The doctor explained to us that he did not see a baby on the ultrasound. Only a yolk sac. He told us the different reasons for this and that there was a very small chance that we were just too early and it was just too small. He sent us to Baptist for some stat labs and would call me with results. At 7:30 a.m. the following morning I got a call from the doctor and the news was not good. My blood levels were very high. High enough that we should have seen the baby on ultrasound very quickly and easily. He estimated that I was about 10 weeks along according to my HCG results. Miscarriage.

The end result would be the same...but there were two different paths we could take. Let nature take it's course and drag out for weeks and weeks...or opt for the outpatient procedure. I opted for the latter. That was on September 3...the worst day of my life.

So, to say the least, things have been pretty tough around the Ault home lately. We both are thanking God everyday for Olivia. She has made this somewhat easier and we cannot imagine going through this without her here to help us. Her smile, laugh, funny faces, chunky thighs, crazy bed head, snotty nose, and her "mama's" and "dada's" are just what we needed. At the moment, I am doing fine physically. I'm struggling emotionally, but that is to be expected.

Some of you are probably wondering why I would share something so personal. Well, a lot of people knew of our pregnancy...and a lot of people know I'm not pregnant anymore. I wanted to bring everyone up to speed with minimal discussion.

So many of you have already offered to help in any way you can. I would encourage you to just say an extra prayer for me and ask God to help me through this. For now, my focus is to stay positive and to be hopeful for the next time...should we be so blessed.

In the meantime...I'll be looking forward to the next pause at the peak.

Sincerely,
Christie